Best tales from the crypt episodes.

“Hello kitties!”

I've recently binge watched every single episode of Tales from the crypt.

This is a television series from the early nineties in which an (animatronic) zombiecorpse with a wicked sense of humor -called the crypt keeper- introduces a weekly tale of horror. 

Be it possessed ventriloquist dummies, werewolves, zombies or just good ol' fashioned bloodshed; any kind of horror tale is told during its seven seasons run. So which ones did I like the best? Which ones stayed with me? Here's my personal top thirteen of favorite episodes (and a few honorable mentions).

Tales from the crypt is also a great game of 'spot the celebrity' because a heck of a lot American (and British in the last season) actors make an appearance. To name a few: Kirk Douglas, Brad Pitt, Daniel Craig,
Demi Moore, Whoopie Goldberg and many, many others.

13. (S7E3) A Slight Case of Murder.

A female mystery writer and her boyfriend try to kill each other in a deadly cat and mouse game. A good old fashioned British thrill ride. I always loved movies like Sleuth and Deathtrap (will somebody make a Mousetrap movie please!) and this little thriller episode is like those.

12. (S4E1) None But the Lonely Heart.

A wonderful little thriller of a (impressively creepy) conman –played by Treat Williams- who seduces and marries elderly ladies for their money. The ending might be a bit of a letdown but to even things out we do get to see Tom Hanks (yes that T. Hanks!) get killed by television set.

11. (S2E16) Television Terror.

I know my way around media. And one of the many things that always amazes me about our current time is this constant desire for ratings (nowadays ‘likes’). The lengths people go to get people to read your blog, watch your video, watch your television channel.

This episode is a hilarious parody on that subject. A reporter gives an on-air tour of a haunted house. What could go wrong?

10. (S2E18) The Secret.

A creepy kid story. Always fun. Without giving too much of the story away I can tell you that the final twist –even though predictable- should be used more often in movies.

9. (S4E5) Beauty Rest.

Ahh Mimi Rogers, that one actress that I both love and hate (I hated her character in the Rapture. I loved her character in Wedlock). In this episode she is, once again, deliciously vile as an aging model who’s willing to kill for a part in a beauty contest. The ending is so out of the blue cuckoo crazy that it stayed with me for quite a while.

8. (S7E6) Cold War.

Ewan McGregor (freaking Obi Wan Kenobi) as a zombie – enough said!

7. (S4E7) The New Arrival.

David Warner and Zelda Rubinstein on the screen together – it’s Christmas! He plays a psychologist asked to help her with her difficult daughter. Naturally the child in question is more than merely difficult.

6. (S3E5) Top Billing.

Like the previous mentioned Mimi Roger’s character, John Lovitz in this episode is willing to commit murder if it would land him a better job. He’s an actor auditioning for Hamlet. Sufficient to say when you find out what’s really going on you’ll find yourself in a lovely morbid ‘Oh-dear’-laughing fit. 

5. (S1E6) Collection Completed.

If writing a horror story is like cooking than this would be the recipe: ‘Take one blue-collar-working man (M. Emmet Walsh) and force him into retirement. Take one cat lady (Audra Lindley). Take ten cats and five dogs. Put them all in a room together and wait.’ A brilliant episode with some hilarious performances of the main couple.

4. (S3E14) Yellow.

I’d be quite interested to find out what Stanley Kubrick thought of this episode. Because it is basically the horror-version of the acclaimed WWI drama: Paths of Glory. To drive home the point Kirk Douglas stars in this episode as the father of a cowardice son.

It’s definitely a great thriller/horror tale but I can’t help and compare it to Paths of Glory. And if you do that you get this uneven comparison between a serious movie that highlights the madness of the first World War and a TV-episode that merely wishes to entertain the people. I wouldn’t say that this episode leaves a bad taste in my mouth but I am a bit on two minds about it.

And now for the top three. Drumroll if you please (or boneroll, I don’t mind).

3. (S4E12) Strung Along.

An aging puppeteer suspects that his much younger wife has a secret lover. Zach Galligan is in this one and it’s great to see him as somebody else than that 'Gremlins guy'. But for me, I love myself some creepy dolls from time to time and this episode definitely delivers.

2. (S1E1) The Man Who Was Death.

The very first episode and definitely one of the best. After the death penalty is abolished, an executioner decides to continue his job as a hobby.

William Sadler is brilliant as the main character. Mockingly breaking the fourth wall as he speaks to the camera.  He’s a joy to watch as you see him electrocute one person after another until…

1. (S3E3) The Trap.

A man comes up with a plan to cash in on his life insurance. With the help of his wife and his coroner brother (The too soon taken from us Bruno Kirby) he puts the plan into action. This is one of those stories where, from the get go, you just know this isn’t going to end well for the main protagonist. The question is when; and the episode toys around with it.
Now the ending does require quite a big grain of salt but that doesn’t matter because it’s fun (plus this episode has Michael J. Fox in a cameo).

Honorable mentions:

(S6E1) Let the Punishment Fit the Crime, (S5E1) Death of Some Salesmen, (S5E9) Creep Course, (S4E11) Split Personality, (S3E4) Abra Cadaver, (S2E3) Cutting Cards, (S2E13)Korman's Kalamity, (S1E2) And All Through the House.

So what does this little list say about me? Well for starters I don't really like vampires very much 'cause I've already got two episodes in here in which vampires get the short end of the stake. And I do always enjoy the villain getting his or her comeuppance in the end. Oh and a good twist every once in a while is very welcome.
Anyway, there you have it, my little top thirteen. Now please go and watch the entire series, the crypt keeper is waiting.