Tick, tick, BOOM: Bomber movies.

A dark, cramped space. Before the hero is a strange box filed with numerous tangled wires connecting explosives to a clock counting down. He's holding a cheap cutter in one hand and a flashlight in the other. He is sweating. He is nervous. He needs to cut a wire, red or blue before the timer runs out. Which one will he choose?

A conundrum hilariously spoofed in Cats & Dogs (2001).

In the late eighties, early nineties, bomber-movies became a thing. With which I mean a movie about a mad bomber leaving time-detonated explosives around and it’s up to the heroes of the movie to dismantle them before the time is up!

Movies like these were done before, like the famous Rollercoaster (1977), but in the nineties something caused a quick succession of movies to be made about this subject. It probably had something to do with the Troubles in Ireland coming to an end. But that’s just me having a guess.

There are numerous examples from the nineties like Live Wire (1992), The Final Cut (1995),

Which, by including the (sexual) fantasy of the ‘human bomb’,
created quite the effective metaphor of the inevitability of death.

Bombmeister (1992) and, of course, Blown Away (1994) and Speed (1994). These last two are interesting because these two movies ‘broke the mould’ as it were.

It’s all about the bomb, not the bomber.

You see, bomber-movies aren’t –almost by definition- that interested in the persona of the bomber. These kinds of movies prefer to focus on the ones defusing the bombs and the (psychological) peril they find themselves in at that time, not necessarily the demented reasoning of the culprit placing those devices. This guy usually gets shot down (almost as an afterthought) the minute the last bomb has been defused (The Kingdom (2007), The Hurt locker (2008)).

This notion, however, shifted a bit when Blown Away and Speed came to show. Now suddenly these mad-bombers had a reasoning for their actions. And because of their presence the whole situation of defusing bombs became far more perilous. Suddenly the vengeful act of the ‘mad-bomber’ was personal. Meaning: the bomber knows/knew how the ‘defuser’ thinks.

But, to be honest, these criminals always remain rather two-dimensional in character. Their motives never anything more than ‘classical’ revenge.

The bomber-movie, therefore, I consider a full 100% different than, let’s say, the serial-killer movie in which the villain and his motives are important. In short: The bomber-movie is all about preventing the end result. When other movies are all about understanding the villain.

One could say that in bomber-movies spectacle takes the forefront over narrative.

It’s all about the bomber, not the bomb.

To take a little side-track I should point out the main MacGuffin of Face/Off (1997). In this movie the
evil Castor Troy has placed a bomb somewhere and it is up to the detective to pull off some shenanigans to find out where the bomb is and diffuse it.

An interesting part about this movie is that here the bomb is the afterthought. The whole defusing-scene leaves the audience utterly unimpressed. This because the movie (rightfully so) prefers to focus all its attention on the dynamic between the criminal and the detective.

As such the ‘bomb-element’ could be replaced with any other cataclysmic event. Be it poisonous gas, a terrorist attack, evil grandmothers, it doesn’t matter. The movie wouldn’t change.

Usually, in movies that have somewhat of a ‘bomber-movie’-plot point in them timing is, rather more, ‘lucky’.

Like the pitch, perfect, phone call in Law Abiding Citizen (2009).

Or, the perfectly timed (no time for a simple warning phone call) car bomb

in The Dark Knight (2008).

So, in short the formula appears to be this: more focus on the bomb(s) equals less focus on the bomber. More focus on the bomber equals less focus on the bomb.

The bomber is dead…tick, tick, the bomb.

The interesting thing about bomber-movies is that the bomber can be dead and still his ‘legacy’ remains a danger. So the bomber-movies have a ‘trump-card’ to play around with. Now there isn’t a mad man with his finger on a button. Rather the mad-man has pushed the button already and it is up to our heroes to save the day before time runs out.

This creates a second schism in bomber movies (apart from the ‘focus’ mentioned above). Do you tell the audience WHEN the bomb is going to go off or do you suffice by merely telling the audience that there IS a bomb?

Countdown to zero.

Do you remember James Bond defusing the bomb in Goldfinger (1964), of course it was going to land on 007-seconds left.

The big trope in bomber-movies is the ‘countdown’ before something terrible happens. To make this happen you need two things: a clock or an action (per example: picking up a phone in Payback (1999)). And an audience who knows the requirements for the bomb to go off.

To take the classical example of a bomb set to go off at noon. Invented by Hitchcock -and often referred to by him when he explained ‘Suspense’-, for his film Sabotage (1936).

I’m not quite sure if I’m correct here. But I think I am.

In this movie the criminal gives a bomb to a boy, whilst telling the boy that the package has to be
delivered at the town hall in the office of the burgomaster at twelve noon.

The boy goes on his way and, since he is a young boy, gets distracted all the TIME.

Every single scene after the boy receives this ‘package’, Hitchcock included a clock. He informed the audience of the bomb in the package and the fact that it’ll blow up at twelve-o-clock. So each clock the audience sees is horror. As the boy visits the market, watches a display at a window. In the end the boy boards a bus and is almost out of time. Yet, there is hope. He might still make it.

And if he does: wilfully condemning the people at the town hall to death! (Because the audience never ‘met’ them).

A moviemaker can stretch this out for ages. In fact, various movies tried to prolong this ‘feeling of tension’ throughout the running time (like Wedlock (1991)).

But, to be clear, this ‘trick’ only works for so long. However, if you don’t know the timer you can prolong the feeling of dread a whole lot longer.

Countdown to when?

The short period of bomber-movies in the nineties are interesting because halfway through the hype Hollywood reasoned that it was, in fact, rather silly to have a countdown clock on each and every bomb. Because, let’s be reasonable here, why WOULD a bomber let the defuser know the time left?

So a second genre of the bomber movie came to the foreground. Stories that merely told the audience that there was a bomb set to go off, but not when.

This paved the way to a new form of creating tension. Informing the audience that something is going to blow up during the duration of the movie creates an uneasiness that lingers. Not necessarily edge of your seat tension but rather a constant feeling of dread. This tension was masterfully used in the (underrated) Arlington Road (1999).

And like Hitchcock years before moviemakers weren’t afraid to let the thing go off in The sum of all fears (2002).

No more bombs?

Nowadays the bomber-movie plot- elements have gone away a bit. I blame fatigue of the subgenre and, of course, real life terrorism for this. But still the techniques remain.

Thanos getting hold of all the stones in Avengers: Infinity War (2008) is a clear usage of the ‘bomber movie without a countdown technique’ and when he finally gets hold of the stones the movie shifts over in ‘countdown territory’ with Captain America trying to prevent Thanos from snapping his fingers.

And to be honest, that’s fair. A bomber movie is only successful if the bomb doesn’t go off (a happy ending). But the audience flocks to the cinema to see stuff getting blown up. Basically a bomber-movie is a movie that promises what it isn’t allowed to deliver. Tangled wires indeed.

Bomb defused!

Bomber movies, or movies that use –at one time or another- the elements from bomber movies want the audience to experience the dread of a possible cataclysm devised by a person who isn’t present when it happens.

Bomber movies are the ultimate anti-James Bond movie because the main villain doesn’t matter. He’s not there at the scene of the crime. He’s either dead or behind the scenes contemplating.

The reason bomber movies, or elements of the bomber movies, work is because it brings to the forefront a sense of imminent danger that we, the audience, love to see defused.

Bomber movies give the audience a thrill ride because ‘we all know’ that danger is lurking around every corner and this, particular, danger has a timetable.

Fairytales a reality?

This isn´t going to be an Anti-Trump article.

I always try to stay as politics free on this blog as possible.

Even though I sometimes can’t help myself. I just can’t lie, I don’t like the man.

However, this article does concern the current American President Donald J. Trump in relation with current developments in new-media.

The point I’m making is this: Deep fakes have evolved. Nowadays we have 3D technology, Deep fake technology and voice technology. Basically I could (from my home computer) create a video of a person saying and doing whatever I want.

What I’m saying here is that I expect that this year (2020) a doctored video will come out of President Trump doing some dastardly thing.

Intermezzo As always Deep fakes started in porn. Every technological or cultural ‘step forwards’ throughout history has had one thing in common: People began experimenting with it with the 'Oom Pah Pah'-angle in mind. Be it paintings, sculptures, songs, books from the printing press, photographs, cinema or even videotapes. Heck, even the discovery of electricity soon had people trying out this new ‘power’ as a means of sexual exploration. The point I’m making, however, is that the ‘porn angle’ of Deep fakes should be understood as a ‘sign’. If people use it for porn and sex it’s probably something that’ll make an impact somewhere else down the line. Just remember, as popular belief likes us to think: The printing press caused the Reformation!

Now the point with Deep fakes is that you have to use your common sense.

If you see actor Nicolas Cage’s face on a baby common sense dictates that that isn’t possible.

President Trump, however, is famous for three things. (1) He is utterly unpredictable. You never know what he is going to do. Everything is possible. (2) He lies all the time even though there are irrefutable facts telling differently. And (3) every news-item he doesn’t like is ‘fake news’.

Basically, I think, this year the story of the boy who cried wolf is going to become a reality. And the American President will find himself in his very own dark (Disney) fairytale.

President Donald J. Trump is going to be confronted with a fake (Deep fake) video of him doing some dastardly thing. He will state that it is ‘fake news’ (nobody will believe him). He will lie to make things even more convoluted (nobody will believe him). He will do something unpredictable to take the spotlight away (which will make people believe the video even more).

Is this going to hurt the President’s re-election? No, not at all. His voters are committed. They’d vote for him no matter what.

But just think about the possible scenarios required for a video that would cause his voters NOT to vote for him. Trust me when I tell you that those scenarios quickly become hilarious (and highly insane).

Just imagine the worst video you can possible imagine (it’s a party game) that might make a little old lady in Pasadena say: “Maybe, I won’t vote for him this time around.”

That’s going to be the fun part about the 2020 elections. I think ´fake news´ is actually going to bite the POTUS in the behind.

Just a gif - Happy Death Day to u2

I was amazed to find that NOBODY on the internet made this gif yet!

If there is one reaction gif I would love to use every now and then it is a skimpy clothed girl giving a big FU on the way of her terminal fall! YOLO-I guess.

Obscure supernatural creatures in horror movies.

There are a lot of horror movie antagonists!
We have vampires, vengeful spirits, cannibals, lycanthropy sufferers, psychopaths and many others (see this article for a more complete list link) all ready to hand out a piece of their mind to us mere mortals.
But if there is one thing that such a list illustrates above all else is that a lot of these antagonists are based on mythical creatures/legends.

Freddy Kruger is the dark version of the Sandman. Jason Voorhees could be the naughty cousin of Dionysus as he is unwilling to die. Michael Myers is, perhaps, a changeling baby grown up. And then there is a whole array of (biblically) possessed people and objects with Chucky being the most (in)famous one. He and all the various demons listed in the Goetia all have a –almost addicted- reasons to torment us humans.

Long before the horror-genre came along people have been scaring each other witless with all kinds of crawling creatures roaming in the shadows. Only when movies came along somebody had the bright idea of using these ‘folktale tormentors’ as antagonists.

Now, looking back at a hundred years of movie history I can tell you: Some ‘worked’ some didn’t. And those that didn’t only appeared in one or two movie and then faded in obscurity.

And there are lots to choose from. Read Neil Gaiman's American Gods 

if you wish to become acquainted with some lesser known ones (the first chapter has a doozy). 

So the goal in this little article of mine is to highlight some of the lesser known mythological creatures used in (obscure) horror movies. The ones who are slowly setting a foot/paw/claw onto the silver canvas of horror movies?

I’ll write a short description of the being; I’ll tell you why I think this being fits the genre of horror ‘so well’ and then attached the corresponding movie to it.

Two things to mention though: first, I’ll try not to mention any from the infamous Cabin in the Woods-blackboard.

And second, I haven’t included every possible possibility. Let’s just say that I’ve left room for a sequel.

You're off the edge of the map, mate. Here there be monsters.

Baba Yaga
Baba Yaga looks like the stereotype witch. But, instead of a broom she flies around in a mortar and  wields a pestle. Baba Yaga lives in a hut standing on chicken legs deep in the forest. She is an ambiguous character that may both help or hurt you.

Why: She is an ambiguous supernatural creature. Meaning: if a character first meets her and she is kind you might keep on perceiving her as such. But even a creature can turn against you. It’s the humanity-aspect that gives the horror movie the extra layer.

Movie(s): Baba Yaga

Bigfoot/Yeti/Yowie
The legend of bigfoot is a lot older than people give him credit for. And the being has been spotted in Northern America, Tibet and Australia. Basically he's the missing link; a cross between a gorilla, human and bear. His main characteristic is that he/she is very good at hiding.

Why: We humans like to think that we’ve seen and know everything about this silly little planet of ours. Yet we haven’t even explored 20% of the sea bottom. Let alone the unreachable forests and highest peaks that our planet has aplenty. What if some of these ‘knowitall humans’ enter these forbidden places?

Movie(s): Exists

Cerberus
Cerberus is the three-headed dog that guards the gates of Hades's realm: Tartarus. His main task is to prevent the dead from ever leaving the underworld.

Why: A dog is man’s best friend. A dog with three heads might be as well. But then one must remember the task the beast was set upon long ago. To keep the people in the underworld from ever escaping.

Movie(s): Cerberus

Chimaera
The Chimaera is a ferocious animal comprised of (quite the collection) of other animals. Usually it's body parts consist of a lion (a common ‘basis’ as you read on), with the head of a goat arising from its back, and a tail that ends with a snake's head.

Why: A terrifying creature that only has one purpose: to eat and destroy. Just lock this creature in a space with some survivors (like: The Relic – which’ creature resembles a Chimaera pretty closely)

Movie(s): Chimaera

Fairies and fairy changelings
A changeling child was believed to be a fairy child (sometimes Trolls) that had been left in place of a human child stolen by the fairies.

Why: Fairies are often considered good. But remember the following: if you are, in fact, immortal how would you deal with mortal beings? You’d probably wouldn’t notice if you hurt us. Terry Pratchett noticed this in brilliant novel Lords and ladies and so does the movie The daisy chain. Fairies can be innocent, mischievous and even evil.

Movie(s): The nanny, The daisy chain.

Golem
In Jewish folklore is a clay statue brought to live by magic to be a servant or protector for the person who created it.

Why: A strong, indestructible creature that will serve the will of a master without question. What will such a master do with such power?

Movie(s): The Golem

Harpy
A harpy is a half-woman (sometimes man) and half-bird creature. The shriek of a harpy brings unfathomable pain and, usually, brings death.

Why: A flying human who, like a bird, preys on its food. The ultimate assassin as the unfortunate victims in my suggested (comedy) movie find out.

Movie(s): Going postal.

Hydra
the Hydra is a ferocious dragon with seven heads, for every head chopped off, the Hydra would re-grow two heads. The Hydra had poisonous breath and blood so virulent that even its scent was deadly.

Why: An instopable dragon that only a mythological hero like Hercules could best. But, underneath the ‘showmanship’ of seven heads there could be all kinds of allagories brewing to socio-political tensions that (my suggested movie just don’t couldn’t) incorporate.

Movie(s): Hydra

Imaginary friend
Almost every child, at one time or another, has an imaginary friend. Somebody the parents can't see who the child plays with. Some legends assume the creature to be real.

Why: To bring a child into this world is a willing acceptance that your own life ‘now’ has an end-date. After the child has grown up and moved out your task is over. All that’s left is to die. But what if there is something wrong with your child? What if your ‘pension plan’ is in trouble because of some invisible being?

Movie(s): Hide and seek

Kelpie
The most famous Kelpie resides in Loch Ness. But the legend is older than that particular lake. The Kelpy is a large waterdragon with the head of a horse. Usually the beast is friendly if-not protective.

Why: A big beast from the deep; it’s could be Jaws all over again.

Movie(s): Incident at Loch Ness

Komodo dragon
Almost a small cheat on my part if not for the fact that these 'dragons' have a legend contributed to them about a 'dragon princess' giving birth to twins: A human boy and a dragon daughter.

Why: The Komodo dragons are the only dragons (left) on this green earth.  Moviemakers can spin all kinds of tales on their origins or…just simply let the beasts go rogue.

Movie(s): Komodo

Krampus
The original Sinterklaas/Santa Clause. A demon-like half goat (‘Pan’ in Greek mythology) that roams the December nights looking for naughty children.

Why: People love to turn the bad into something good. The slaughter called WO II is often used as a an opportunity to highlight heroes. Or, less pessimistic, the (possible) explanation that ‘God bless you’ comes from people hoping that your sneeze doesn’t carry any of the plague.

Movie(s): Krampus

La Llorona
A folktale from Mexico of a woman who drowned her children for the man she loved. The she drowned herself and, forever after, searches for new children to have as her own.

Why: A mother figure as an antagonist always works in horror (e.g. Carrie). IOt’s the combination of love, birth and death that (thematically)fit together.

Movie(s): The curse of la Llorona

Leprechaun/Dwarf/Gnome
Leprechauns and the like are small creatures that live underground, make shoes and love their gold (and hate to part with it). They can be kind to those who are kind to them but usually they just want to be left alone.

Why: What happens if you twart these creatures? In one of the legends the Leprechaun used the trick of ‘tying strings to each and every tree’ on his aggressor. But what if you truly p*ss one of the ‘little folk’ off? Blood might be spilled.

Movie(s): The Leprechaun

The Lorelei/ The Siren
A beautiful woman (a Siren) singing on the rocks on the right bank of the river Rhine in Germany. Her song is so sweet that sailors will lose themselves and drive their ships against the cliffs.

Why: A female temptress has been the cornerstone of cinematic mystery since the start of cinema. Ever since ‘noire’ we (the audience) know that women on the silver screen can’t be trusted.

More about this when we reach the mermaids.

So why not ‘enter’ a woman whose ‘only goal in life’ is to lure men to death.

Movie(s): Siren

Manticore
Much like the Chimaera the Manticore is a lion-like beast. This time with the head of a human and a (usually) scorpion's tail.

Why: Like my entry about the Chimaera one wouldn’t like to meet the Manticore in the African jungle anytime soon. Such an amazing predator with such amazing skill…and bloodlust.

Movie(s): Manticore

Medusa
The most famous of the three sisters. She was a woman whose hair consisted of snakes and with a stare that could make people turn to stone.

Why: The anti-seductress (in contrast to the Siren). Medusa wants to be left alone. Medusa’s curse (like King Midas’) is that she can only look upon somebody who is ‘worthy’. Alas, nobody is. This brings both ‘love’ and ‘death’ to the table in one swift move of character.

Movie(s): Medusa, Percy Jackson and the lightning thief

Mermaid
(Usually) women with the upper body of a human and the lower body of a fish. A mermaid would use her radiant beauty and soothing singing voice to lure sailors into the sea where she would drown them and feast on them.

Why: The, by now, age old tale of the seductress. But what if she is refused? What will her animal-instinct do when that happens? Hans Christian Anderson warned us about the (possible) wrath of the
Mermaid.

Movie(s): The Lure, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

Ogre
A Troll like creature that is more man than Troll. An Ogre is a massive man that enjoys to feast on the human flesh -especially young children.

Why: Every (creature) horror movie needs a unstoppable force. It might be a rather simple excuse but, then again, who can resist a ‘child eating monster’

Movie(s): Ogre, Shrek

Sphinx
And yet another combination of man and lion. This time (unlike the Manticore) it is the body of a lion and the head of a man/woman.

Why: The Sphinx is often considered ‘wise’; meaning: this is a worthy adversary for us humans encountering this creature. Alas, most movies neglect this trait of the being and simply turn it into a monster-hunt.

Movie(s): Sphinx

The kraken
A gigantic squid who can destroy ships in an instant with its massive tentacles.

Why: We, humans, don’t know anything about the deep sea. So imagine a ship with a full twenty miles of darkness beneath it. What could be lurking there?

Movie(s): 20.000 leagues under the sea, Deep rising

The vagina eater
There is no 'one' creature who does 'this' all the time. However, there are various legends in  Shinto, Maori and Hindu cultures that tell of women taking their revenge on men by consuming them through their privates.

Why: Like the, above mentioned, seductresses this being takes ‘things’ a step further by encouraging men to do the act. It’s the penetration (read: rape) that brings forth their downfall. There isn’t a lot of thematic symbolism needed to pull this off. It’s the horror version of Monster (2003).

Movie(s): American God’s S01E01

Toothfairy
A being that collects children’s teeth. How can that be a good thing? Anybody who takes a step back and looks at the facts knows that these beings are born evil.  As did the creators of the fun little movie: The tooth fairy.

Why: A being both preying and dependant on children. How does, such, a being survive? And, most importantly, what will such a being do when it finds itself ‘hungry’?

Movie(s): The tooth fairy

Troll
A ghastly creature who can only move in the night because daylight will turn it into stone. A massive being (sometimes hairy like a Yeti) that is, only sometimes, intelligent enough to be capable of speech.

Why: Again an attacking being from the ‘outer realm’. There needs to be a reason for this being attacking. Sometimes it’s a spell, or just people wandering into the wrong place. But it’s the distinct reliance on darkness that makes Troll-fiction quite compelling. Like Vampires-stories, the heroes need to wait for the dark.

Movie(s): Troll, Troll 2, Ernest scared stupid

Wendigo
The Wendigo is a forest demon who is more bone than hairy skin (sometimes sporting an antler). It preys on humans who enter the woods.

Why: Like the Yeti-and sorts, the Wendigo preys on those who walk into its trap unwittingly. But the Wendigo has a ‘trump card up its sleeve’ as it can make the grounds of ‘his’ world sour.
The native American’s (in this fiction) often have an ‘understanding’ with these beings.
So any hardship suffered by the native Americans (which is, -to be rather clear- a lot) will, in this fiction, be punished by the Wendigo.
The Wendigo is the ultimate way of levelling the playing field between the oppressors and the oppressed.

Movie(s): Wendigo

New stories to be told:
I just gave you a small list of obscure supernatural creatures that ‘made-it-into-a-horror-movie’. But then there are quite a few who are somewhat left ‘out the door’.
So, here I’ll leave you with a short summary of beings that are ‘fit for the silver screen’ –if only- moviemakers* are brave enough.

* The Conjuring-cinematic-universe.

Cynocephaly - People who have the body of a human but the heads of dogs. These are usually benevolent creatures but they don't shy away from eating those unlucky sailors coming to their island.

Mimi - Mimi's are Australian fairies who are so thin and elongated that they are in danger of breaking like twigs when the winds blow. They usually live in rock crevices.

Naga - Like the Mermaid a Naga has the upper body of a woman but the lower body of a snake. And, like many other creatures on this list, Naga can be both good or evil.

Rakshasa - A cannibal race of large, fierce looking humans whose ugliness is emphasized by the two large fangs protruding from their mouths.

Typhon – A gigantic serpentine being playing for control, not of the world but, for the cosmos. Epicness takes no enemies!

Stranger Things map 3.0

Well, shoot...
There I was feeling all ´accomplished´ that I had actually managed to create a workable map of a TV-show.
There were some errors (of course there are), but overall this map worked (link).
And then the producers of the show bring out a book that has the complete season 2 map.
Well, shoot! :-)

One little critique.
Now, being a bit critical this official map doesn’t line up with even half of my research. The map the showrunners ‘allowed' is the so-called ‘Police map’.

The one used in the police station scene in Season 2.

There’s also the ‘Season one’-map, the ‘Bob’-map and the ‘Wherever the show was shot’-map (Butts county).
Those maps don’t line up. So, as a result, this official map given by the showrunners doesn’t line up with the whole of the series.

Loving it.
Sillyness aside, for me, I actually rather enjoy this move. What this proves is that Stranger Things is getting itself organized as a series -the map cements the mythology as it were.
I love this! Like Discworld before it the fantasy world of Hawkins Indiana becomes a lot more tangable.

It's also fun to see that I got a lot of things right (and a lot of things wrong).

So, it’s official: I’m stepping down as the unofficial cartographer of Hawkins Indiana.
But the show better make the placing of locations logical next season I'll be watching.

Keywords for online safety.

I made this little presentation ages ago as part of a very basic course to teach people who never handled a computer in their life to (at least) understand the potential dangers lurking online without terrifying them.

I don’t know if I succeeded but at least the people then were happily clicking around trying to understand how smart hackers could get to their files (the brute force attack was something awe-inspiring for them). You can download it HERE.

The A to Z of things that annoy me in videogames

I felt like doing a (click-bait) top-‘something’ list. Just some of those things that bug me in computer games. So without further ado...drumroll please.

AI needs saving

Best example: Resident evil 4.

Saving character A no matter what. It happened in Resident Evil 4, The last of us and, most famously, in Metal Gear Solid: Sons of liberty you got her killed for your effort.

Nothing wrong with saving a character as long as (often) 'her' AI is up to scratch. Unfortunately usually the –to be saved- character walks around like a gigantic alarm clock calling all monsters to dinner.

Backgrounds keep resetting

Best example: Wolfenstein (2009).

There is nothing more annoying than walking through a house and destroying everything in sight, then leaving, only to find minutes later that the entire room is in top notch condition again.

If all rooms already look similar it really makes you second-guess if you’ve been there before.

The same goes for self closing doors. How can you explore a house when every door you open, to mark a room searched, automatically closes itself again? Let alone if a door closes on you mid combat.

Conjuring up more enemies

Best example: State of Decay, Return to Castle Wolfenstein, any 2-D scroller.

The Norway level in Return to castle Wolfenstein. You killed each and every Nazi on your path but somehow, as you backtrack to collect some ammo, you find a new bunch of Nazis blocking your path. Where did those bastards come from? The level doesn’t have any locked doors or anything so what...did they spawn from a tree or something?

In State of Decay it is even worse. You just cleaned the area of zombies, there isn’t one for over at least a mile. You turn your back for one second and suddenly a whole group of them spawn right behind you.

I want my enemies to be countable. It’s not a Hollywood movie in which the hero finds himself against an army of henchmen simply because the main villain decided to open up another acme canister labelled ‘instant henchmen’.

Digital protection

Best example: Batman Arkham Asylum.

There’s nothing wrong with a company trying to keep a game from being stolen. However, if the failsafe mechanism you put on the game actually prevents players from either playing or (later) re-playing it you have a problem.

This happened with my legal copy of Batman Arkham Asylum. With the big digital copyright safe door it is now impossible to play.

Everlasting cut scenes.

Best example: Ducktales: remastered, any Metal Gear Solid-game

Computer games only recently managed to take stories to a new level. ‘You are the torturer!’ (Grand theft auto). 'Your choices dictate the end’ (the Telltale games). ‘You are this person and this is your story and these are your faults –take it or leave it’ (The last of us).

Before this computer games never really managed to outgrow the B-movie narrative (Alundra: everybody dies). Games tried to put the ‘fate of the world’ on your shoulders. But in the end it all comes down to ‘goodie’ killing ‘baddie’.

The problem, however, is that computer games don’t always recognize that they are telling a 'not very good' story. And, in that sense, there’s nothing more frustrating than an unskippable cutscene wherein some character is going on and on.

A sub-category would be the unskipable cut-scene mid game. So Scrooge McDuck pausing his adventuring to give a lengthy monologue about a coin he just found in the Amazones in Ducktales remastered. It takes the flow out of the game.

Following the law?

Best example: Driver.

You are driving along following all the traffic rules. You stop at a stop sign and the AI car behind you accidentally nudges your rear.

Suddenly the cops are all over you with deadly intent. No matter how good you are, one misstep and suddenly you're the worst of criminals.

Grinding.

Best example: Any Final Fantasy game.

Grinding is like digital training. Doing the same kind of fights over and over again in games for the experience point to make you character stronger (for the next episode of the game).

Grinding isn’t a bad thing per se. You can use it to develop you characters a bit this way or a bit that. But in ‘ye olden days’ there wasn’t a lot of variety of character development. In Final Fantasy 6 you, pretty much, taught every spell to every playable character.

Grinding is annoying if it limits the enjoyment of the game. Skyrim stopped being fun for me because I finished every single quest at level 60. Which meant I still had over ten levels to go before the dark knight would pop up.

Final Fantasy 6 to 10 would usually bring you to the end fight with characters severely outclassed at level 50.

A good game levels you along the way. You can, pretty much, finish it without any additional grinding. A bad (or even terrible game) let’s you grind for three days straight. A worse game, however, leaves you with a barrel full of ruby encased golden rings just because you wanted to up your smiting skill – I’m looking at you skyrim.

Helping characters.

Best example: Rainboy six.

Again like ‘AI needs saving’, helpers have a tendency to stand in the way. Sometimes I think I shot more of my brethrens in Rainbow six than actual villains because those fools decided to disco-dance in front of me.

Other examples would include: you are trying to sneak somewhere but the helper keeps attacking everything in sight. You are trying to hide but your helper pushes you forwards so the enemy spots you. You are trying to flee but lo and behold your helper is standing in the way. You just evaded standing on the trap button, your helper however...

Even more annoying are helpers who, by trying to advance the mission, keep repeating the same line over and over again while you are exploring the area: “Go through the door…Go through the door…Go through the door…”

I know!

Impossible controls.

Best example: Metal Gear Solid and Tomb Raider.

Making Lara Croft jump accordingly while balancing on a cliff. Having Solid Snake actually escape a perilous situation instead of crouching. Or, with PC-ports finding the right button on your keyboard.

More often than not I died because I couldn’t quite remember which button to push on my keyboard.

Jumping is a no-no

Best example: The Silent Hill-games.

You can walk, run, swim, limp, climb on a ledge, handle a chainsaw but you cannot jump.

There are still some games that give you all kinds of handy traits yet our hero cannot jump. It’s one of those ‘barriers’ that don’t work anymore in this day and age.

Also, characters dying when they fall in water...really?

Killing yourself is a no-no

Best example: The Silent Hill-games.

When I played Alex Kidd in Miracle World I would (sometimes) lose a life in the very first level. Instead of continuing I would kill ‘Alex’. After all it’s easier to die and play again than to go on or reset the system and wait for the game to load. So there I was saying: “Here birdy...”

But sometimes you can’t kill yourself. You can’t throw yourself in a chasm in Silent Hill and in other games the hero keeps on taking health packs until he runs out. Actually getting a 'game over' screen in some games is qute the challenge.

Levelling helpers.

Best example: Any MMORPG.

You enter an online roleplaying game fresh: ready to explore. And the minute you spawn there is already a cult hanging around you wanting you to be part of their guild, tribe, whatever.

Those ‘level fifty’ or so are often seen walking together with a low level player defeating high-level monsters to give the ‘new kid’ some experience points.

What’s the point of playing if some guy helps you level faster?

Moving levels.

Best example: Super Mario brothers.

These 2D-levels are usually combined with a death fall. Mario is the worst. A screen that moves and the minute you are too slow and get off-screen you die. So you have to plan your jumps correctly...a bleeding nightmare.

None-existent plumbing or: no logic in map building.

Best example: Chrono Trigger.

If you’ve been playing computer games for as long as I have you’ve seen a lot of development in het housing department. Around the 1990’s games houses suddenly gained pluming and toilets.

True, sometimes a household of two only had one bedroom (Chrono Trigger and his mom) – but it was a start.

However, the inability of logical reasoning of housing still persists to this day where computer games forget the necessities every once in a while.

But what is more annoying are those moments you are exploring an open 3D world and walking towards an open field only find out some invisible wall is stopping you (especially if you can see your target).  Why not put a wall there or something? At least something visual to keep the game map logical.

Also games that put a flimsy crooked fence in front of you that you cannot pass or a door you can’t blast open with a grenade launcher should be condemned.

Overpowering the player early on.

Best example: Bioshock.

Some games give a player an edge early on in a game. Wolfenstein (2009) had the time-stopping technique. Bioshock 1 and 2 the bees. The minute you’ve got those weapons/skills in your arsenal the rest of the game is a breeze.

It’s difficult to balance a game between easy and (Battletoads) sheer impossible. But when a game fails in this department it fails hard because people want to be challenged.

Ports and glitches.

Best example: Silent hill homecoming

Around 2005 a new trend in games started to pop up: unfinished games.

Apparently it is cost effective to just sell a game even though it isn’t finished. Another method is by simply transferring a games from a consol to a PC or vice versa without actually checking for bugs.

Quicksaves.

Best example: Fallout 3 and on and Skyrim.

Games try to balance between accessible and difficult. One way of making it easier on the player is by means of the so-called Quicksave. Every step of the way the game saves for you. However, saving every step I make in a game doesn’t automatically make it any better. I want to return every once in a while. I don’t want the game to hold my hand.

I learned this the hard way when I killed all the Ghouls in Fallout 3’s Tenpenny Tower quest. Suddenly the radiohost Three-Dog called me a scumbag every time I turned on the radio. And there was no way of me returning to a previous Quicksave to fix the error because it had already been overwritten.

Though, this questline is a bit problematic. If you help the Ghouls everybody in the tower dies. So it’s not really a win-win.

Revenue

Best example: any EA or Star Wars game.

This is the silly one. Having to buy extra stuff for your game that makes you wonder why the developers didn’t include it in your game in the first place.

Back in the day one could buy a game manual for Final Fantasy 9 on the Playstation. This manual had every trick and secret of the game. Except it wouldn’t tell you. You had to write down a codeword, fire up your computer and fill in the word one some website to unlock the secret.

Then there’s Alex Kidd in High Tech World -an unabashed commercial for Sega.
Imagine that you are in a town with some shops, a temple and, at the end, a guard post where the guard tells you he requires a passport for you to proceed. Now the tool-shop sells a printing press. The bookshop sells a handy book about printing false passports. Do you print the passport? Of course not; you pray at the temple a hundred times for some spirit (you didn’t know existed) to appear and give you a passport.

I’m convinced that this trick was conceived to get kids, like me, to call the SEGA tips and cheats hotline (0,50 per call).

Sufficient to say this kind of reasoning never really went away, but it is still silly.

Sierra-logic

Best example: King’s Quest V.

The game gives you certain items and you just have to used them by trial and error to see which one works. There are no clues given, you just simply click the pie instead of the sword on the yeti and lo-and-behold it works. Don't think, just experiment. It degrades the player to just lucky instead of an intelligent problem solver.

If you know what Ifnkovhgroghprm means you are as ancient as I am.

This technique or guessing was first implemented in Sierra’s King’s Quest V –hence the title- but it still continues to this day in Hidden object games.

You want to cut open a parcel tied by rope. Do you use: A) a knife? B) a saw? C) a pair of scissors? or D) you go all over the place looking for a letter opener? If you answered ‘D’ you know hidden object games.

Tried and tested old-school puzzles.

Best example: Fear for sale: tiny terrors and many other HOGs.

There are some puzzles that have been around since the Victorian age. Like peg-solitaire, sliding puzzles or The Tower of Hanoi. Hidden object games love to include these games in their repertoire. So if you play a lot of hidden object games you will find that you will be replaying peg-solitaire over and over again because the designers were too lazy to come up with something original.

Underwater levels.

Best example: Sonic the hedgehog.

Not only can you not move the way you want to (usually slower). You are also bound to a silly breath-meter that tells you when you are going to drown. I hate those levels. I can’t count the ways I almost had my little Sonic near the exit only to wait for an air-bubble that never came.

Viewfinder

Best example: any first-person shooter.

Those unlimited ammo guns that a locked at a single place (“press F to use”). I never use them but sometimes I have to. So you have this gun and you are firing at everyone and everything while you cannot move and every enemy is throwing everything at you.

Walking back and forth.

Best example: The castaways: the island, Wolfenstein (2009).

Walking back and forth all the bloody time between mission givers and mission. Bad games often place the mission giver and the actual goal a million miles apart. There is some deluded reasoning behind it that all that trekking actually makes for enjoyable game time – it doesn’t.

In Wolfenstein (2009) the game-designers tried something new. A city under Nazi siege would be your (RPG-like) homebase where you would receive missions to carry out.

However, the person giving the mission and the actual ‘door’ to the mission were often at the other side of town. So you spent a large chunk of the game running from one side of the city to the next like a glorified errand boy before you could actually play a mission.

X is the end (not).

Best example: My Hero and Jade Cocoon.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” Confucius says. But a journey is nothing without an end –I would like to add.

So, there’s nothing more frustrating than a game that doesn’t end. I’ll forgive the early games like My Hero (beating up the bad guy for the seventeenth time – the guy never learns). But it sticks. It went all the way to the PSX with Jade Cocoon.

Now with games like Fallout and Skyrim there will never truly be an end to any game (unless the quests run out). And with massive landscapes to walk upon and constant respawning enemies (I must have killed most of Pennsylvania by now) the game stays divers.

However, wandering the wasteland gets boring after a while. Everything needs to end sometimes (just not like New Vegas ended – freaking Romans? Really?)

Yes Dave, I can’t do that Dave.

Best example: Tetris.

Like 2001’s HAL couldn’t truly grasp the sense of human reasoning computers can’t grasp the notion that sometimes a random generated move might leave the player without a chance.

So whoever player Tetris will recognize the feeling of waiting for a ‘long piece’ that never comes (or too late). The computer merely randomizes, but the player (sometimes) suffers.

Zooid

Best example: The lion king and any early PC game.

The ‘I just can’t wait to be king’-level in the Lion King is a gamer nightmare. The rich animation of the game makes it very hard to pinpoint the ‘mask’ that would make little Simba hang on to the hippo’s tail. And that’s only the start. After that there’s an ostrich ride that is sheer impossible with a ‘double jump’ nightmare.

In short I’m talking about the mask around a game sprite. An invisible layer -where the code is at- which you are actually playing. The animation layer is just there so you can see your avatar.

The mask is usually a little bit bigger than the animation. If the mask is hit the animation layer plays the ‘ouch’ animation. But if the animation is too complex -consisting of multiple divers frames of different sizes- it becomes quite challenging to make an avatar move through a dangerous field without dying. Your eyes see a small frame but the mask is actually big – dodging bullets or (bird nests) are then quite impossible.

So there you have it! My (personal) list of twenty-six annoyances in videogames. Enjoy.